Piglet

You’d already been half an hour
With pre-clubbing shower
And I’d always planned to have a look
In your special Winnie the Pooh book.
The place was marked
And it was there in blue and white
It just said simply, “Paul stayed last night.”

Next I was on the bog
And you got down on one knee
You were protesting your innocence
And you started to cry
Just as I started to pee.

You said,
“I didn’t shag him,
He slept on the couch in the kitchen.
He might as well be a girl,
He’s a good for a laugh and he’s good for bitchin’.”

You said you’d never be willing or able.
And he looks like he was made on a fucking table.
Although, to be fair, I think he hides the bolts quite well,
But as soon as he opens his mouth you can just tell.

I had just assumed you’d completely gone off shagging
And I can you see you with your new Uni pals standing bragging.
Now, he’s your boyfriend and I know you were talking shite
But you still denied it when I met you at someone’s birthday party the other night.

You said,
“I didn’t shag him,
He slept on the couch in the kitchen.
We have a good laugh when we’re sitting bitchin’.”

The words that you used to think turned me on
Just made me laugh –
“Do you want to suck my cunt?” in real life just sounds naff.
And when we were with your friends I just as well might of been no-one.
And you can’t get over your dead dog – well it takes one to know one.