Naked At An Award Ceremony

I’m naked at an award ceramonyI’m hiding behind Jarvis Cocker and he’s eating canapesI’ve got a laser penAnd I’m shining it on Salmon Rushdies forehead – like thatMissing Brian May’s hair by a fractionYeah I’m nakedBut nobody seems to mindRecord company exec.s tuck into their meat and two vegI wince but carry on with a tall story about tapestryThe theme tune to Howard?s Way plays gleefully in the backgroundAnd everybody taps their feetMeatloaf wets himself and he’s gotta leaveSo I might have to fill his place in the showAnd I duet with a chauffeur who’s driving Whitney Houston or somebody like thatAnd we sing ‘Abide With Me’ at the top of our voicesTo my surprise I get an erectionNot a full on erection like Jeff StrikerBut a timid Aled Jones sort of affairAnyway, my singing partner is appalled and leaves the stageThrough the medium of dance I explain what Shirley Bassey’s back garden looks likeBrings the house downEveryone gets cold and leaves